By Sophie Williams
Art by Camilla Lee
Pick a euphemistic-genital-esque object-fruit-in-a-Bustle-health-article.
YA fiction and fan-fiction.
Drama, gossip, slander, rumors, and scandals.
Long Island Medium (or other art forms of the genre).
Lorry Hill’s Celebrity Plastic Surgery Analysis Videos.
Personality quizzes ;)
There’s been a sighting of your favorite cryptid!
Nessie, the Monster of Loch Ness.
Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Squonk.
Ideal place for your sexual debut:
House party from an 80’s film
The Iron Throne
A fairy ring and you’re high
Choose a kink
Which keeps you chronically online?
Favorite club sport?
Worst showy color name?
Pick your crush style
Pining from afar.
Many crushes of varying degrees.
Crush at first sight.
Crush to marry.
Crush once, crush forever.
Love em and leave em.
Does masturbating count as sex?
Yes, I am my own person.
No, that’s just self care.
No, it should be a team effort.
Yes, but you can’t do the 7 that way…
Yes, and you can.
If you do it together?
Do a chore
Walking the dog.
Cutting the grass.
Mostly A’s: THE STACKS
You like to be involved — and you love to be alone. You often feel that you’re too chatty or too quiet, but relax — people like hearing you talk whenever you do. You get very into your readings.
Mostly B’s: THE GREEN
You’re honest and trusting and get along well with a lot of people. This makes you great to work with and easy to doublecross. You’re cute. You probably thought you won the midnight snowball fight.
Mostly C’s: THE FIFTY YARD LINE
You have a strong smile. You’re devoted to your obligations, sometimes at the expense of yourself and others. Sometimes you feel out of place, but it’s okay — you’re more smart and capable than you think.
Mostly D’s: PRESIDENTIAL LAWN
You can be a little self-important, but don’t think for one second that means you’re stuffy. You're an impulsive risk-taker — and yet, you’ve probably had a fifty-year plan and a Roth IRA since elementary. You already knew the Baker-Berry clock face was lavender.
Mostly E’s: STEPS OF DARTMOUTH HALL
You’re going places, but maybe not the places that you expect — keep confident in your ability to adapt and thrive. You’re impatient, but often late (although you’re overcoming that with varying levels of success). You have a great radio voice!
Mostly F’s: TOP OF THE HOP
You really, really like to get your way. (Luckily, you have good ideas and you’re usually right.) Your presence is reassuring to friends and strangers alike, and you’re a better dancer (but worse singer) than you think.
Mostly G’s: The BEMA [which doesn’t actually stand for BIG EMPTY MEETING AREA but in fact is Greek for “sanctuary” or “vesper church” or “the platform from which orators spoke in ancient Athens” “(Vaidya, 2021)]
You’re cool, loyal, and up for anything. Be sure to make the most of your knack for opening up to people. Even if you haven’t admitted it, you believe in ghosts. (As you should!)