Which of the Dartmouth 7 Are You?

By Sophie Williams

Art by Camilla Lee

Pick a euphemistic-genital-esque object-fruit-in-a-Bustle-health-article.

  1. Lemon

  2. Banana

  3. Pear

  4. Clementine

  5. Papaya

  6. Cucumber

  7. Strawberry

Guiltiest pleasure?

  1. YA fiction and fan-fiction.

  2. Drama, gossip, slander, rumors, and scandals.

  3. 90’s country.

  4. Long Island Medium (or other art forms of the genre).

  5. Lorry Hill’s Celebrity Plastic Surgery Analysis Videos.

  6. Boy bands.

  7. Personality quizzes ;)

There’s been a sighting of your favorite cryptid!

  1. Nessie, the Monster of Loch Ness.

  2. Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Squonk.

  3. The Kraken.

  4. Chupacabra.

  5. Mokele-Mbembe.

  6. Bat Boy.

  7. Michigan Dogman

Ideal place for your sexual debut:

  1. Nowhere

  2. Literally anywhere

  3. House party from an 80’s film

  4. The Iron Throne

  5. Your bed

  6. Broadway catwalk

  7. A fairy ring and you’re high

Choose a kink

  1. Domination.

  2. Inflation.

  3. Voyeurism.

  4. Cuckolding.

  5. Scene play.

  6. Bondage.

  7. Furry.

Which keeps you chronically online?

  1. Reddit.

  2. Instagram.

  3. Snapchat.

  4. LinkedIn.

  5. Facebook.

  6. YouTube.

  7. Twitter.

Favorite club sport?

  1. Figure skating.

  2. Ultimate Frisbee.

  3. Powerlifting.

  4. Badminton.

  5. Water polo.

  6. Swim.

  7. Men’s rugby.

Worst showy color name?

  1. Tiffany Blue.

  2. Chartreuse.

  3. Bastard-Amber.

  4. Coquelicot.

  5. Teal.

  6. Lusty Gallant.

  7. Glaucous.

Pick your crush style

  1. Pining from afar.

  2. Many crushes of varying degrees.

  3. Crush at first sight.

  4. Crush to marry.

  5. Desperate.

  6. Crush once, crush forever.

  7. Love em and leave em.

Does masturbating count as sex?

  1. Yes, I am my own person.

  2. No, that’s just self care.

  3. No, it should be a team effort.

  4. No comment.

  5. Yes, but you can’t do the 7 that way…

  6. Yes, and you can.

  7. If you do it together?

Do a chore

  1. Dusting.

  2. Walking the dog.

  3. Cutting the grass.

  4. Homework.

  5. Cooking.

  6. Laundry.

  7. Organizing.

  • Mostly A’s: THE STACKS

You like to be involved — and you love to be alone. You often feel that you’re too chatty or too quiet, but relax — people like hearing you talk whenever you do. You get very into your readings.

  • Mostly B’s: THE GREEN

You’re honest and trusting and get along well with a lot of people. This makes you great to work with and easy to doublecross. You’re cute. You probably thought you won the midnight snowball fight.


You have a strong smile. You’re devoted to your obligations, sometimes at the expense of yourself and others. Sometimes you feel out of place, but it’s okay — you’re more smart and capable than you think.


You can be a little self-important, but don’t think for one second that means you’re stuffy. You're an impulsive risk-taker — and yet, you’ve probably had a fifty-year plan and a Roth IRA since elementary. You already knew the Baker-Berry clock face was lavender.


You’re going places, but maybe not the places that you expect — keep confident in your ability to adapt and thrive. You’re impatient, but often late (although you’re overcoming that with varying levels of success). You have a great radio voice!

  • Mostly F’s: TOP OF THE HOP

You really, really like to get your way. (Luckily, you have good ideas and you’re usually right.) Your presence is reassuring to friends and strangers alike, and you’re a better dancer (but worse singer) than you think.

  • Mostly G’s: The BEMA [which doesn’t actually stand for BIG EMPTY MEETING AREA but in fact is Greek for “sanctuary” or “vesper church” or “the platform from which orators spoke in ancient Athens” “(Vaidya, 2021)]

You’re cool, loyal, and up for anything. Be sure to make the most of your knack for opening up to people. Even if you haven’t admitted it, you believe in ghosts. (As you should!)