By Serena Suson and Sadie Weil
Art by Chloe Jung
Honoring their 69th anniversary in operation, the all-male Society of the Missing Rib (SMR) at Dartmouth has sought to renew its vows of honor and respectability on campus. In cooperation with SMR, Spare Rib is happy to present, for the first time in publication history, the “Gentleman’s Pledge,” which chronicles the SMR’s dedication to an equal, manlier world. Below are the original ten points from 1952, along with several add-ons from current members — whose contributions were conducted after several shots of Evan Williams bourbon — with the intention, as they proclaimed under intoxication, to “account for modernity.”
The Makings of a Proper Gentleman
A fine tie demonstrates a vital fitness of character.
Every man should possess at least one fine tie. The tie may be either black or red. Upon usage, every man should not only appraise the advantage his tie provides to his outfit but also appraise the tightness of his tie. A true gentleman should be aware of the constant restraint a proper tie places around his neck.
Compliments are a gentleman’s best costume.
Besides keeping a pristine wardrobe, a true gentleman takes care to groom his social repertoire. Upon adulthood, a man should expect to give himself to society without desiring much in return. He should move to give compliments. His surety, above all, lies in the frequency of his compliments. He should, at all times, assert himself to the object of his admiration, in spite of any silence or signs of discomfort he may face, as silence and signs of discomfort indicate only that he has not made enough compliments to ensure an acquaintance.
Every man should aim to have a personality, at least one.
Many studies show that it is important for people to have personalities. It is no less important for a man. Every man, before entering society, should spend ample time developing a comprehensive backstory. This backstory should be as exhilarating as it is slightly below average, as the imagination can only go so far. The personality of a true gentleman should always be based on the current object of his attention, so as to amplify the potency of his compliments. If a man should be unconfident in the success of one personality in the pursuit of his object, he should feel free to cultivate as many personalities as he would like, switching out props as necessary. Popular props include: a smile, a neat whiskey, and a wedding band.
Announcing one’s attraction as much as possible will attract every possible partner.
A man’s relevance is in the multitude of his words. As with compliments, increased attention will be sure to ensnare a romantic object. A true gentleman should know that he is entitled to attention as well as attraction, so he should never hesitate to make his advances.
True vice is vulnerability.
In spite of the necessity to cultivate a personality, a man should always remember that self-preservation takes precedence. A true gentleman, in the course of all relationships, should never disclose any feelings that would put him at risk of vulnerability. These feelings include but are not limited to: doubt, envy, fear, sadness, happiness, and love. If a man should disclose any such feelings, members of the Society have vowed in some manner to hold him responsible.
Conduct within the Dartmouth Community and Beyond
Brotherhood preserves a gentleman’s soul.
Every gentleman should have some form of male influence present in his life. The Society of the Missing Rib serves the interest of all Dartmouth gents during their time at the College, providing a space for manly confidence and camaraderie. Members shall be like brothers, bound together by covenant. They shall firmly grasp each other’s manhood, exclusively showing each other the most intimate respect.
Compromise preserves order.
Disagreement will inevitably arise among men with varying degrees of social experience. The Society of the Missing Rib welcomes those from all different backgrounds but shall ultimately uphold the principles of a brotherly order. A true gentleman does not cause his brothers discomfort. A true gentleman, in keeping with his covenant, relinquishes his independence to the collective. A true gentleman does not define himself outside of brotherhood.
Order preserves security.
When in accordance with his brothers, members may always be assured they can rely on each other for safety and security. In the upkeep of a male alliance, members shall ensure they will never encounter discrimination or endure prolonged silence. Without this alliance, no gentleman can be sure of his social standing. The Society of the Missing Rib aims to preserve the dignity of all gentlemen, to preserve the role of the gentleman as the executor of all order.
Security preserves balance.
The Society of the Missing Rib recognizes the value of security. With the security that members promise each other, the Society of the Missing Rib aims to extend the same courtesy to all facets of the Dartmouth community. The Society of the Missing Rib recognizes that men must be protected first, if the rest of the world is to be protected at all.
Balance preserves a gentleman’s world.
The Society of the Missing Rib stands eternally to represent the ideals of a better world. First and foremost, as peacemakers, the Society of the Missing Rib understands the role of the gentleman in preserving liberty and order. The balance that the Society of the Missing Rib upholds assures the development of proper gentlemen at Dartmouth and beyond.
A 2021 Addition to The Gentlemen’s Pledge
Adhere to a hierarchy of introduction
Ignore her friends of different races. Bonus points if you insist on hugging her gay male friends.
Only approach her if she is protected
Treat her straight male friends like her father. All women should be protected by men, and obviously men should garner more respect than her. So, yes, go ahead and introduce yourself casually to them first, and take a sudden change of tone with her.
Alcohol is your best friend
Coax her into playing too much pong. Your drunk physics are almost as cool as your econ major. The alcohol helps make you seem a little more bearable, maybe even a little more attractive too.
Execute enchanting dance moves
Insist on inserting yourself unwarranted into closed-off dance circles. Nothing beats the fun of simultaneously showing off your killer moves and attempting to prod your way into a group of girls enjoying their night.
Make sure to catch a glimpse of who you are taking home with you
Shine lights on faces when meeting for the first time outside parties. Nothing feels sexier than being scoped out following a sweaty basement. Check to make sure they can handle the clamminess of the frat basement with more grace, more deodorant, and fewer pit stains than you. The bar really is on the basement.
Maintain polite eye contact
Stare at boobs instead of the face when making conversation. In the words of Shakespeare, they are the eyes of the body. Anyone would feel respected by your constant eye contact with their chest and will find even your mundane small talk more entertaining.